Time to stop saying sorry.
If you know me, you know I always say “sorry”.
“Sorry”, as in the “by the way”, or, “also” kind of sorry. The sorry that interjects, defines, or pre-empts my views in a single word.
When I say “sorry” like this, I am both apologising, and not apologising. I think I have done something wrong or will do something wrong, and I also want to feel better about myself.
It is something I am used to doing and it comforts me, because I am anxious often.
I first noticed I said “sorry”, in this context, too much when I was at university in 2014. My well-meaning coursemates made it a running joke.
It comforted me in an uncomfortable place. No one wanted to harm me, but I did not fit in.
I doubted my abilities and did not think I could do what they do. I now know I do fit in, and I can do what I do.
I do not always know the right words for typical social situations. For years, “sorry” has been that word.
When you say sorry too much, it means nothing. I know you want me to stop saying it.
No more “sorry” when I remember an interruption I made to a conversation two months ago. No more “sorry” when I must elaborate on something I do not feel I have explained.
If you know me, you know what I mean. I am often worried. Sometimes, I have genuinely done something wrong, but I struggle to say “sorry” when I need to.
I know when I must take responsibility for something I have done. I retreat, sometimes I am physically uncomfortable. My voice is hushed.
There will also be no more “forgive me”, which is a longer way of saying “sorry”.
Sorry must mean something.